January 2, 2012 -- Acceptance

Having someone give me something without me giving them something in return is a tough thing for me to accept. I've always been like this. I'm not really sure why. It really makes me cringe internally. I think it just comes from my thinking that you're supposed to invest in something to get a return on it. That investment might be time, work, money, sweat, blood, whatever. A lot of it stems from my athletic background and the old saying "Hard work beats talent when talent doesn't work hard." Or the scouting and preparation factor of preparing for a game. To receive something back, one must put something into it. I mean, I don't really even like people getting me presents on Christmas or birthdays. When someone gives me something, my initial response is the infamous, "Great! Now I have to return this favor and get them something as well." I always have this guilty feeling after someone hands me a gift. I then think that I'm forever indebted to them. I remember the time someone gave me a ride in high school. I still haven't forgotten that. I'm pretty sure that the person wouldn't even remember the ride either. It's just ingrained into me. I also won't forget when I got stuck in someone's driveway in the snow on Super Bowl night on the way up the drive.....and get this...... on the way out as well. The same person pushed me out both times. I remember it. I still feel guilty about it. Why? No idea. Except maybe because I was dumb enough to get stuck twice in the same driveway. On the same night. Within three hours of each other. (Also on this night, my gum happened to "jump" from my mouth and land in Lindsay's hair. Of course, that a different story, for a different day.) This last year sometime, not sure when, but definitely within the last year, some friends asked us out to lunch. They bought Lindsay and I's food . I told them they didn't have to so I tried to give them money. They gave it back. I tried to give it back again. They ran away quickly so I couldn't give it back. Lindsay and I got in our car and began to drive away. They were still standing next to their car getting their kids all buckled in. We drove by them in the parking lot. I rolled down my window. Threw some cash out the window at them and then simply drove off while waving and smiling. They gave me "The Look." You know, where you drop your chin and tilt your head towards one of your shoulders which makes your eyes roll to the top part of your eye and you end up looking through eyebrow hair. That look? It burns. Right. Into. Your. Soul. (I got this look from Lindsay as well when she found the gum in her hair. Like I said earlier, that's a different story for a different day.)

After that day I started to really think about my actions and about how I should accept "gifts" from others. I was being selfish. I made it about me. I wasn't taking their generosity into account. I was only thinking about what that gift to me meant to me and how I was going to take that "weight" off of me and return it to them in one way of another. 

Five. That's how many times I used the words "I" or "me" in the last sentence. Five. I just made their gift about me and not about them. Think back to what I wrote earlier in how I thought that for you to gain something it must be earned. In this case, I earned something without working for it. What I failed to see is that they had already done the work for me. They went to work. They worked overtime. They used their free time to invite us to lunch. They earned it. I received the rewards. They gave. I failed to accept. I was only thinking about me and the "damage" it would do to me. I failed to see the gift for what it was. A gift. Something that they wanted to do. I didn't need to earn any of it. It had already been earned. They just wanted to share what they have earned with me. Why? I believe it was out of love. They gave out of love. 

How about this quote? - You can give without loving, but you can't love without giving. Robert Louis Stevenson

They gave. They loved. I just didn't accept their love. 

When this happened, my thinking shifting. I think it was preparing me for the generosity of what was to come in the coming year as we embarked on this adoption journey of defining our hope. You can read about what we have been given here and here.  Through all of this, I have accepted more things more graciously. I have embraced the gifts as best as I could. It is still tough for me, but I understand that even though I haven't earned any of the "gifts" that I have been given, they were earned by someone else and they want to freely share what they have earned with us. Love. That's what it is. Unconditional love. I am humbled. 

One of the things that I received over the past weeks was a gift card to a restaurant. Someone asked me how they could help me and I told them food is always a good choice since I usually leave around 7:00 am and don't get home until 6:30. Game nights put me home around 10:00 if they are away. Now, I find it really awkward to eat at a restaurant by yourself. I have done it many times, but I always find myself people watching since I don't have anyone to talk to. Lindsay is still in Taiwan so, I decided to invite a friend to eat with me. He had to leave really quick to get somewhere so he left before we got the bill.  I told him I'd take care of it. He graciously thanked me and headed out. When I got the bill the waitress had given us a huge discount. I bought our food with the gift card and then found out that the card had more money on it than I expected. Isn't that just weird.? I mean. How is that even explainable?

Thanks for all you've done. I'm learning to accept things :) 

Talking about getting something that wasn't earned....how about what Jesus did for us. He died for me, and you. He bled. He was tortured. He was mocked. He died the worst death imaginable to take our sins away. I'm positive I don't deserve any of it, but I'm gladly accepting it so I can spend eternity with him. 

“He personally carried our sins in his body on the cross so that we can be dead to sin and live for what is right. By his wounds you are healed.” – 1 Peter 2:24“God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.” – 2 Corinthians 5:21

Matt